Category: Joke Board
I was actually looking for a tutorial to teach Becky how to write a good joke when I ran across the following article. Conclusion? Don't write it, steal it.
6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day
From cracked.com
6 Non-Medical Excuses That Should Qualify You for a Sick Day
By:
Gladstone
October 29, 2011 711,639 views
There are a handful of good excuses for not going to work: illness, death in the family, and actually
that's just about it. But considering just how soul-crushing so many jobs are, I think that list needs
to be expanded. I know for me getting to work on time and in a productive state is dependent on so many
rituals, all of which must go exactly as planned or I'm just no good to anyone.
Am I being a big baby? I'm sure I am, but when I'm King these will all be valid excuses. (Also you will be
be disemboweled for calling me a big baby, you fucking peasant.)
#6. Super Bad Nightmares
It doesn't happen often, but once every five years or so, I dream a member of my family has died. I
don't see the incident or even fully understand how it happened. I just get the news, and I get it over
and over again. Like twenty times in one night. First, I learn they're dead. Then I forget. And then it
happens again. It's like a sick combination of Memento and Groundhog Day. I wake up with an aching jaw
from clenching my teeth, and the need to snuggle the not dead family member lasts for hours.
After this nightmare, I then go to work, but I shouldn't. I should write an e-mail like this instead:
Dear Boss,
Sorry to hear your wife is dead. I hope it was painless. Sorry. She's not really dead, but that was
pretty upsetting, right? No, seriously, they asked me to write you, it's true, she's totally dead. Not!
Anyway, that's what happened to me last night. I don't mean I killed your wife (that was the drug cartel
this morning when they sprayed machine gun shots into your living room window - joking!) Anyway, I had
that dream where a loved one dies last night. Still shaken up. See you Tuesday. Boss, you and your now
dead wife. (Not really.)
#5. Interrupted Morning Dump
When I was in college I saw this Kids in the Hall skit extolling the virtues of the 20 minute morning
dump as one of life's great pleasures. It always struck me as odd, but now that I'm a working man like
Kevin McDonald in that skit, I have to say he is right on the money. The early morning dump is a pretty
special thing. It gives you time to come up with a game plan. What needs to be done and in what order.
Also, if you do it right, it will save you the indignity of the workplace dump in that ugly stall with
the painfully thin toilet paper. Most of all, if it's a stressful day, purging yourself thoroughly in
the morning will make it literally impossible for you to crap your pants at the office.
But what happens when that morning dump gets interrupted? Maybe you're out of toilet paper. Or you have
some, but it's downstairs. Or the phone rings. Or you realize you'll never catch your train at your
current rate of discharge. Well, then you've just ruined everything, haven't you? You're gonna be
dumping at some stupid time like 10:40, well after your morning shower, and then you'll have that not so
fresh feeling for the rest of the day.
Dear Boss,
Today I was like three quarters through a pretty glorious dump when I realized I had the cookies for our
company bake sale in the oven. Well, needless to say I had to rush down there so they didn't burn. I
washed my hands thoroughly, took them out, and then tried to get back to business, but as I'm sure you
know, you just never really get it back. Now I'm all discombobulated and waiting for the rest of it, and
I'm sorry, I just can't make it in today. And don't worry about missing the cookies because, come on,
you know I didn't really think to wash my hands. Trust me. You didn't want them anyway.
#4. Losing Hot Water in the Shower
For me, the shower is a special, almost holy place. Not only can a warm shower clean your body, but it
can help quell an allergy attack, relieve a sinus headache, and provide a relaxing environment for a
good shave. It can also be a sanctuary for that other thing men and women do depending on their shower
head setting, and whether there's sufficient soap and imagination. Tis truly a magical place.
But all those things are made possible by hot water. Without that revitalizing steam, the shower becomes
cold and upsetting like prison, but without all the male-on-male forced sodomy. (At least in my shower).
Instead of emerging clean, refreshed, and brimming with good ideas, you hop out pissed off with soap
still clinging to places you like too much to expose to the harsh realities of freezing water. Your hair
is a mess (no time or tolerance for conditioner) and the towel mocks you with a thousand pointy fibers
that still begrudgingly accept your freezing run-off because, let's face it, it's a towel even if I
personify the hell out of it.
Dear Boss,
Shower lost hot water after only about 90 seconds in. Needless to say I didn't get a chance to condition
or think about that chick in the ripped fishnets I hooked up with at Madison Square Garden after the
Bowie/NIN show back in the 90s. Boiler guy is coming later today. I'll be back tomorrow. She said Trent
put on a better show than Bowie, but I let it slide.
#3. Breakfast Malfunction
So you've woken up without incident. You've excreted and showered like a champ. Even gotten dressed. Now
it's off to the kitchen for the most important meal of the day: breakfast. Just a little sustenance to
keep you focused. You're no dummy. You know no one likes processing TPS reports with a rumbly tumbly.
You pour yourself a bowl of cereal, get a spoon, and . . . oh dear God, THERE'S NO MILK! You've poured
cereal with no milk, and now your cheerios mock you with their round cardboardy dryness. The horror.
Dear Boss,
My stomach is digesting itself as I write this. I know you're always talking about the need to plan
ahead and, of course, you're right. In fact, I hope you've noticed the extra hours I've been putting in
to stay on top of my assignments. The bad news is that with all the extra work, I haven't had a chance
to go shopping. I'm guessing you can see where this is going. Yeah, I didn't buy milk. This cereal is
not happening. I guess I'll head out and buy some milk, but I'll have to wait another hour for the
supermarket to open and then by the time I buy it, come back and eat it, it will be like midday. So I'll
see you tomorrow, and I'll buy some extra milk today in an effort to plan ahead and prevent this in the
future.
(concluded in next post)
(continued from previous post)
#2. Ruined Clothing on the Way to Work
So you've made it out of the house. Congratulations, but the road to compensated labor is a long one
filled with treachery and deceit. One of the most dangerous threats to the completion of your mission?
Public transportation and its evil companions, seats and coffee. I see some of you already know what I'm
talking about. (Because I have super blogging powers that allow me to see my readers. Duh. I told you
I'd be King some day.) Anyway, for the rest of you, let me explain. It can be super difficult to drink
coffee on a bus or train without spilling it on yourself. You hit a bump; a passenger with a backpack
gets careless; or Starbucks accidentally sets your coffee from "way too hot" to "flesh-peeling-scalding"
and you jerk your cup, dropping a big brown amoeba of an eyesore onto your shirt. Especially, if it's a
light blue shirt. Spilled coffee loves light blue shirts. (I know these things for a fact. Again. King.)
Or maybe you successfully navigate your coffee, but the armrest catches your pants pocket as you sit,
ripping a hole, or you sit in gum, or you didn't notice that the duct tape holding the seat together is
now all over you. The point is, it's a war zone out there, and starting your day with ripped or stained
clothing just guarantees failure. Some people just want to fail.
Dear Boss
So close today. Really. Was about to come in, but wouldn't you know it. Sat in gum and spilled coffee on
my light blue shirt. Don't worry, I'm getting it all professionally laundered, but that could take all
day. I know. I'm disappointed too, but I wouldn't dream of reflecting poorly on the office, looking
anything other than my best.
#1. Seeing Your Ex With Their New Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Husband/Wife
You're almost out of the woods. Head free of fear; bowels voided and steam-cleaned; stomach filled with
goodness; and looking your finest in stain-free clothing. This is the day you'll finally make quick work
of the Penske file and maybe even clean your desk. You head towards the office and there it is: your ex
with her new man. (Or your ex with his new girl if you're a girl, or your ex with her new girl if you're
a lesbian or your ex with his new guy if you're a gay man, or maybe you're straight, but now your ex is
gay and with their new partner, or maybe yours was an intergalactic romance with a species that eschewed
traditional notions of gender, but you see what I'm saying.) They look happy. As happy or happier than
when you guys were together. And now you're not together. Maybe you're even glad you're not together.
Maybe you were even the one to break it up. Even so, that image will stick with you as it sears into
your brain while you hide behind a newsstand to avoid being seen. And if they broke up with you? Well,
then forget it. You're not getting any work done today. For a time, you two were very happy.
Dear Boss,
Remember that time you asked me why I wasn't married, and if I were "some sort of a fag?" And then you
laughed and walked away as I tried to explain? First, let me just thank you for taking an interest in my
personal life. Also, I wanted to let you know that your question -which obviously had to be meant
ironically if you want to avoid allegations of creating a hostile work environment- was really funny.
Well, if you'd stayed instead of reading Money magazine in your corner office while occasionally sending
me e-mails asking for ETAs on assignments, you would have heard about Rachel - the one who got away.
Anyway, I saw Rachel this morning, sucking face with a Calvin Klein underwear model. I'm taking the rest
of the week. Thanks.
Bob
Bob, I found this mildly amusing, but it's way too long. The key to a good joke is to make it short and sweet. This makes it easier to remember andddddddddddddd to repeat to your friends. For example, a list of short reasons for calling in sick such as these would have been funnier:
1. Ken is sick, and that bimbo Barbie wouldn't stay home and take care of him.
2. My cat fell asleep on the alarm clock snooze button.
3. The only clean dress in my closet makes my butt look big.
See? Much funnier.
If that's the case, your examples are short and sweet. But, I thought jokes were also supposed to be funny.
Ha! Gotcha!
Bob
I liked the long version. It takes longer to read mind you, but it was amusing.
Thanks Remy, I have several more of these that I may post later.
They are all from cracked.com.
Bob
Hehehe!
If it comes from cracked.com, it's no doubt going to be helarious!
Cracked.com really has a lot of good stuff out there.
Bob
Cracked.com is the main source of my laughter these days. and, personally, I happen to like the longer jokes better, anyway. I found this article particularly funny. Thanks for posting.
Hehe!
oi becky and bob watching the two of you go at it will never stop amusing me.